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Title: The Princess and The Inspector
Author: Nicole
Rating: PG
Pairing: #notapoley. and the teensiest bit of #leoh. a few other #y_slashers make cameos, though.
Summary: Indiana Jones AU! Where Perri is the leading lady (who i pictured to look like princess peach) and Nicole is Doctor Jones. Sadly, there is no Short Round.
A/N: There are a lot of self-indulgent references in here, but the plot should still make sense. Just think of it as a #y_slash Indiana Jones movie, and you should be fine. Happy Birthday, Perri! :D<3

“The Princess and The Inspector”—

Inspector Nicole Poley propped her feet up lazily on top of the gray ottoman in front of her. Reclining in her armchair, she sipped from a mug of hot cocoa, the sweet chocolate sliding smoothly down her throat and filling her belly.

After a long day of searching for the Lost Tomb of Grantimahara and the Sacred Walrus Relic rumored to be hidden inside it, she had retired to her hotel room for the evening. The pulchritudinous Princess Perri of Platypi was staying in the adjoining room with one of her many servants. As the soon to be wife of Prince Chauncy of the Arctic Circle, the Princess was a very valuable asset—both for the information and power she and her family possessed.

The Inspector let her attention fasten to the television. Regular Show was on. (It was the Chairs episode, one of her favorites.) All was well.


With a loud -BANG-, the door of her hotel room was slammed open violently. “What is it, Bob?” Nicole said, addressing the panting handmaiden calmly as she shoved a Cheez-It unceremoniously into her mouth.

“It’s Princess Perri, miss!” the young girl said.

Bob’s urgent tone and the name of the princess brought her to her feet.

“Where is she?” Nicole demanded.

“I-I don’t know, miss,” the girl said, cowering slightly. Nicole cursed under her breath and began to grab any supply she may need. Whip, toolbelt, fedora, jacket… “I left her room for a moment to fetch her dinner, but when I came back, she was gone!” Bob paused and reached into the pocket of her pinafore. “This was on her chair.” She passed over a folded piece of paper.

Ants? What?

Everything seemed to add up at once. Grabbing a dark red can and securing it to her belt, Nicole bolted out of her room, leaving the maid staring after her.

“She probably just went to visit #chauncalicious again,” Bob muttered to herself, plopping down in the vacated seat and popping a Cheez-It in her mouth.


When the Princess came to, she realized very quickly that she was no longer in her hotel room. Though her vision was swimming, Perri saw bright strobe lights flashing on and off to a beat. Loud, energetic music was pumping out from every direction. Many colorfully dressed men (and a few women) danced below her.


Below her?

Looking down, Perri realized she was suspended in mid-air, directly above the dance floor. She tried to move, but found that her wrists and ankles were chained to a silver metal pole that stood in the center of the cage she’d been locked in.

Ah, it seems our guest has awoken.” An eerie voice sounded over the music. It did not shout, despite the noise; rather, it was soft, like it was whispered into your ear by someone next to you.

Charlie, stop the music. Cue the lights.

The music ceased immediately and every light in the room was extinguished. The room fell quiet.

A single, purple-tinted spotlight irradiated three men at the front of the room. The first, on the left, had red and black hair and wore a pair of thick headphones. He sat at a switchboard/turntable, evidently the DJ here, shyly fiddling with the knobs in front of him.

The second, on the right, had black, white, and purple hair, and was sitting on a polished purple throne of some kind. His hand was clasped firmly with that of the one to his right.

The last man, Perri presumed, must have been the one speaking. His chair was raised slightly above those of the other two. He wore a sleek black suit and matching bow tie. His hair was multiple shades of rich purple—violet, orchid, heliotrope, royal purple, and others combined to make—

Hello, Princess. Thank you so very much for finding time in your busy schedule of--” He paused, giving his next phrase an extra coat of a tone that was already dripping in contempt and sarcasm. “digging in the sandbox with that bumbling inspector of yours.

Perri bit back a retort; the Inspector didn’t bumble, but she was far too outnumbered to be throwing insults around.

My name… is #teohmort. Some call me the “Purple Mastermind,” or “TinoForever.” Use whichever you prefer. I have no intention of being a rude host, which reminds me--” He signaled to the man on his right. “Charlie, do fetch our guest a drink.

Charlie tapped several buttons on his control panel. From out of the bottom of the cage rose a small tray, offering a light orange colored drink.

Peach Daiquiri, Princess?

Perri shook her head.

Oh, come now,” #teohmort said, “you must have at least one drink!

Perri shook her head.

You’ve been awfully quiet this evening, Princess. It’s quite rude to ignore your host. How’s about a bit of chit chat, hmm?” He leaned forward in his chair, and though he was several yards away, Perri could see him narrow his eyes. “Where is the Walrus Relic?” There was a snarl in the whisper.

“I-I don’t know,” the Princess stammered. “And even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you!” she added defiantly.

#teohmort grinned a wicked, plotting smile. “Well then,” he said, “I suppose we’ll just need to give you a bit of… incentive.

At the last word, Charlie flipped a switch on his dashboard. Nothing seemed to happen at first.

Perri noticed a small flicker of movement at her feet. A single ant had appeared at the bottom of the cage. Where did that come from? Perri wondered. Not two seconds later, two more ants had appeared. Then four more right after. Then eight. Then sixteen. Then thirty two ants, and by this point Perri was too busy trying to keep them from crawling up the skirt of her dress—no easy feat when you’ve been chained at your wrists and ankles.

“G-get them off!” the Princess shrieked.

#teohmort laughed, and, following suit, so did the others gathered there. #teohmort snapped his fingers and the music began again, muffling the screams and cries of the Princess as an unwavering tide of ants threatened to drown her.

(As terrified as she was, she was comforted slightly by the fact that her last moments could be spent checking out gay men. Which was certainly not a bad way to go.)

So long, Inspector. If only I could’ve told you--


A sharp jerk at the top of her cage drew Perri’s attention away from her impending doom. Was that… a rope?

The music was brought to an abrupt halt; the silence that should have followed was filled with angry shouts and orders. #teohmort’s voice was no longer calm and whispery—it was now angry, rough.

MISTER MEN! STOP THEM!” he shouted.

Them? But then--

A familiar face came swinging into view the next moment—fedora and leather jacket-clad Inspector Poley clung to the side of the Princess’ cage, whip in one hand, dark red aerosol can in the other.

“Inspector! You--!” Perri began.

“Shut your mouth!”

Excuse me?”

“And your eyes! Shut your mouth and your eyes!”

“But why--?”

“Just do it!”

The Princess did as she was told, and heard a hissing noise. The ants began to fall off her rapidly. The cage shook, and after four quick snips, Perri had gained all of her movement back.

“Oh, Nicole!” fawned the Princess. “For you have saved my life!”

“Yeah, yeah, all in a day’s work,” the Inspector said distractedly. Figuring she was safe now, Perri opened her eyes to see her rescuer gauging the length of her whip, which was still wrapped around the beam that held the cage they both rocked dangerously in.

“Uh, you may want to keep your eyes closed,” Nicole said, wrapping her arm around Perri’s waist and gripping it tightly. “Hold on!”
In one swift move, Nicole swung both of them over on top of one of the large speakers located throughout #teohmort’s club/lair. Yanking with all her might, her whip was set free and the cage that had once held the princess came cascading down upon the Mister Men.

STOP THEM!” #teohmort screeched.

Grabbing the princess’ hand, the Inspector pulled her after her down a passageway marked “Mister Men Only.”

The passageway was quite dark, but Nicole had had a flashlight on her belt. “Actually,” she said, “I call it a flashlighter, because it’s half flashlight, half lighter.” She flipped it over and flicked the switch. A small flame appeared. “See?”

“AKU DAH NAK BUNUH ENGKAU SIAL!” (i will kill you, bitch!)

From seemingly nowhere, a Malaysian girl flew at the Princess, dressed in black and purple camo pants and a vest. Nicole was ready for her, though; before the girl could even touch Perri, Nicole was between them and landing a punch straight across her face.

“…oh,” said Perri. “Thanks.”

“’The Henchmidget,’” said Nicole, reading the now-unconscious girl’s name tag. “Huh.”

They met no more trouble in the passage, surprisingly, and exited, even more surprisingly, onto the roof of their hotel.

“How did we end up here?” Perri asked, confused.

“#teohmort’s lair is actually underneath the hotel,” Nicole explained. “That’s how I was able to get here so quickly.”

“Hm.” Perri mused on this for a moment. The night air was cool up here, and the stars stretched on without end. “Uh, Inspector?”

Nicole smiled. “You don’t have to call me that if you don’t want to. I think we’ve passed formalities at this point.”

“Oh. Okay. Um… Nicole?” Perri said nervously.

“Yes, Perri?”

“Um. I just wanted to thank you. For saving my life.”

“Oh, well,” Nicole stammered, “it was no big—“

“No, really!” Perri persisted. “You were amazing! You did all that swinging, and dropped the cage, and cut my chains!”

“Just a pair of wire cutters, really,” Nicole said, fiddling with her flashlighter. “I’m sure #chauncalicious would’ve done the same—“

At that moment, Perri—frustrated with Nicole’s modesty, among other things—launched herself at the inspector, locking their lips together.

This narrator cannot say much about that kiss—as she was not on either end of that connection, nor has she ever been kissed herself—but all she will say is this: it was awesome.

And then Erin showed up.

Lieutenant Erin Crooks, saucy dame and Nicole’s partner, landed the helicopter not far from the kissing couple.

“Awww,” she cooed as the two broke apart. “#Notapoley is so adorable. What about Chauncy?” she asked as they clambered in.

“What can I say?” Turning to Nicole, Perri laid her hand gently on top of hers and grinned. “#y_slash before hoes, man.”


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